Monday, January 3, 2011

Delightful, Graceful, Moxieness


Last year at about this time, I choose my “word for the year.” The word I chose was “grace” -- and, apparently I didn’t know what I was thinking because had I known what the “gods” were planning for me, I would have realized that “grace” was far from what I was about to evoke for my life circa 2010. I don’t know -- maybe I tried, but I certainly wasn’t graceful or grace-filled this last year.

Or maybe I was. Let’s take a look…

The year began with the loss of my job. I’ll never forget it: I was sitting having lunch with my co-worker Shelley, before the start of the show I was producing at the time. I glanced at my phone and saw a text from my boss that said, “Meeting in the conference room, now.” I looked up at Shelley and said, “Damn, this is it, we’re going under.” And I think I was the only one who cried (not gracefully), even though I knew what was happening.

It was rough, because my work at Air America was so fun and creative and I produced a show I fully believed in, with a wonderful, kind host and co-workers who were (are) hilarious, smart, interesting and great at what they do – it was a huge loss, the demise of Air America (just sayin’).

Right then, in early 2010, my world felt a little out of sync. Maybe my word felt that way, too: I’m pretty sure I drew more on my 2009 word “moxie” as I tidied up my desk, collected severance and applied for unemployment. From January to April I enjoyed New York, very much. And though it’s a sort of a blur, let’s just say I was graceful as I did it, so there’s that to my credit.

In April I returned to Seattle, and as you’ll notice from the title of my blog, resent(ed) it. My intention was to find work in either Seattle or New York, but in reality I knew I had to take what came, so I did.

The first job I landed was a news editor position at a local Seattle TV/radio station -- and it didn’t go well. Truth is, I tried really hard to invoke grace but unfortunately I seemed to be in the middle of a wrestling match with Moxie (circa 2009) and in the end, Moxie won. Consequently, the first few months of the job I probably could have spent some more time keeping quiet and learning the ropes before I gave my critical opinion of what and how I thought things should be done. Though, thinking about it, in the end it was grace that kept me from walking off the job completely. So in November, Grace and I packed up our news editor bags and hit the road for greener pastures.

Looking back, those seven-ish months were hard for me – April through November. I wanted to be better in my job but knew my heart wasn’t in it and likely never would be. My friendships in Seattle had changed dramatically during the years I lived in New York and I just wanted to go back there. “Grace” was not a word I was evoking – at all (sorry, Grace). I think the word I was drawing from was “confusion” -- with a dash of sorrow.

2010 came with its relationship hardships as well. In November, I headed east to run the New York Marathon. And here I can comfortably tell you I did run it with grace. I was very mindful the entire time of going slow, taking it all in and breathing through every single borough of the City. I made it a graceful little victory in more ways than one. That said, I knew my visit wasn’t entirely about the race. I had unfinished business with a long-term boyfriend that was either going to bust it wide open or nail the coffin shut. In my mind I thought I would be fine either way, as long as it was definite. Well, definite it was. Without boring you with the details. I’ll just say it ended. Dramatically. In Times Square at about two o’clock in the morning. It did end though. Like a bull in a china shop. Coffin closed, nails lodged solidly intact.

So here we are, Grace and I, ending 2010 looking at one another like we’re strangers. We never really did hit it off. We tried though -- we really did -- but Grace, she was too meek and I, with all my moxie, became overbearing.

So now what do I do?

Well, I’ve thought about it. This year I’m not as much looking for a word I can draw upon. – (I initially thought of “want” as my word, but that’s just a recipe for disaster, isn’t it?) – instead I’m grabbing something I can own.

My word for 2011 (insert drum roll) is simply “Delight” (with a capital D) and I expect a great deal from it, so:

Dear Delight,

I’m ready, bring it on!

As Ever,

Tina.

1 comment:

shannon said...

i can't wait to see what Delight in store for you. 2011 will be delightful!